I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
