i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He did a backflip because drugs
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