Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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