You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
