You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
