last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
