how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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