You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
