apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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