We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
even my farts smell like vagina
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
