It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
