my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
