You smell like a Billy Joel song
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
