I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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