My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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