Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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