Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
