I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I don't deserve a penis
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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