I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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