I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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