I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
