I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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