If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
A bitchslap is in order.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
