bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
