I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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