i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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