I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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