tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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