Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
