So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
