Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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