How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
