I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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