YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
