she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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