God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
