I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
