why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Randomize
