just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
