If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
