I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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