I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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