In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
