i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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