And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
