my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Ladies don't puke and tell
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
