apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
