Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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