Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
