My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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