Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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