currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
